6.0 Chat Thread

@j.mo I'm glad that you feel confident enough to vent/share here with us. I think it's quite respectable that you've gone through counseling, read books, etc, but if she's unwilling to change or respect you for your efforts, it makes it difficult. I do quite a bit to put my wife first, (or rather God first, her second), but after conversations I know now that she was feeling like she was getting leftovers. A great book that helped us both was "Keep your love on" by Danny Silk. However - again - it doesn't sound like she's interested in growing/transforming into being 1 with you, so it may not be helpful.

I may have missed it, but are you married to this gal? I only ask for the legalities. Regardless, I would recommend following suit with everyone else here. If she's throwing stuff, running off with your stuff, and otherwise terrorizing you, I would suggest doing what you can to end things, all while doing your best to make a case for yourself just in case she decides to accuse you of anything.

If you're not married then you could potentially change the locks on your house if your name is on it, and even change the locks on your truck (slightly more expensive). If married - I'm not sure what the best protocol is, but if she doesn't leave and she continues to terrorize you or mentally/emotionally abuse you then get out and stay with a friend or find a place.

I think you definitely have a difficult choice ahead of you. I've heard of spouses stick around and live a life that was a reflection of a biblical spouse and trust that God would soften their spouse's heart (but I don't ever recall abusiveness being a part of the problem). It sounds like you are being abused - mentally, emotionally, and possibly more. I say, start making an exit strategy - which may be either contact an attorney to know your rights and/or separate by whatever means are the best.

Just an FYI: I know a few people personally that have read Danny Silk's book and they have been able to stand with confidence knowing what their boundaries and priorities are. Because they've been able to stand up and say "no more" or "go ahead" they've stopped playing the games of their "victims" and started taking back their lives. A few people have cut ties - with a spouse, with a family member, with friends. Others are still working on their marriages, friendships, families because the "victim" knows that they can't control them any longer.

Set your boundaries, know your priorities. If you know people that pray - I suggest you reach out and ask for prayer (if they are the gossiper type prayer warriors, just say that you have an unspoken prayer request). I'm still new enough here that you have every reason not to reach out to me, but I would recommend you reach out to men and women that you know have good relationships to help you with this time in your life and as you progress forward. We may be here because of our trucks, but that doesn't mean we can't uplift and encourage and hopefully (and if good enough-convict/call-out) each other.

j.mo said:

I will check that book out. Thank you.

She says that I have emotionally abuse I’ve tendencies because I will say I don’t care in the heat of the moment. Then I/we will cool down, and I will realize I actually DO care and attempt to fix things.
She says that is a no go.
But, accordingly, after last night and the things she said. There was to be no communicating I was understood. But now she wants to send me messages and communicate. So I am fairly confused because she does the same thing.
So is it emotional abuse, or is it deciphering right from wrong and attempting to resolve?

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You're welcome - really brings to light personalities and ways to improve.

As for the emotional abuse - I am no professional and just a guy that's trying to get through life and hopefully reflecting Christ as I do.

But - I guess everyone might define emotional abuse differently, but I would consider constant insults, negativity, belittling, as emotional abuse. I'm sure if you google it, you could probably find some more adjectives.

It sounds like what you are doing is having a defense mechanism as you are attempting to defend yourself from the attacks/arguments and then trying to resolve the issue once things have calmed down and you've had a chance to think. And it sounds like hers is an attack/vent mechanism and she wants to apologize afterward because, maybe, she feels like she can get away with it with you? Or because she doesn't want to change and she doesn't think she needs to with you? I'm not sure. Since I don't know either of you - there is a lot of speculation and hypothesis.

I myself have a tendency to play the victim when she's upset to try to end the "intense fellowship", i.e. "nothing I do is right" "i'm not improving" etc - and I'm having to check myself and not do that anymore because it doesn't help. As much as I hate confrontation (even though I'm a manager and I also have bought/sold/traded A LOT), I need to do a better job of bringing issues up when they happen and be purposeful as we decide how to move forward.

@Red Ford brought up a good point - with the question regarding friends or a relationship. Kind of sounds like she's has some issues in prioritizing who you are to her, and that might be something to converse about if you guys are going to try to make this work. If she didn't have a good relationship with her father or friends, than you may be a mixed bag of male types to her.

I understand the wanting to be with someone. I almost proposed to a gal for all the wrong reasons but thankfully she ended it because her family/friends told her I was a bad influence on her even though I bent over backwards for her (you know - after working 60+ hrs/wk and driving sometimes an hour to her and than having to drive 1.5 hrs to work the next morning) while trying to manage sleep and a somewhat healthy lifestyle. (Apparently rubbing off on a person so that she stops/limits drinking, "being fun", and being lewd/crude is bad...)

But - you know what - although I missed the intimacy of that relationship, I knew in my heart, soul, and mind that the intimacy wasn't pure and wasn't right. I'm thankful she broke it off over the phone while I was on a business trip a 120 miles away. It took a year or more so to realize that I was done with hiding myself. If someone had a question, they could ask and I'd answer. I was going to be myself and find someone that had standards that I agreed with, and thankfully I met her in 2013.

I'm a believer of the Word and I think much can be learned from Proverbs.

Proverbs 31 has a description of a worthy woman to pursue.