probably should be in the Humor section but it sounds like this could actually happen, no wait, it really is happening!
Americans With No Abilities Act
Washington, DC -
President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress is considering
sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.
The Americans With No Abilities Act. AWNAA is being hailed as a major
legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any
real skills or ambition.
'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said
California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this
legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a
small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S.
Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity
without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal
employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S
employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against
the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home
improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the
Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring
Persons of Inability (63%).
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle
man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little
real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as
to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a
significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management
positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses
that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult
to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example,
discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or
experience that relate to this job?'
'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who
have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position
as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan, due to her
inability to remember 'rightey tightey, lefty loosey.' 'This new law
should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added.
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented
citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I
believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be
extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her
inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a
good salary for doing so.