No, this story isn't about our Dave here on the .Org. This is a story about 1 of the many misadventures of a friend we made about 10 years ago in my old hometown of Lincoln, RI. I came from the most northern end of Lincoln in a section called Manville. Manville's one of the older mill village parts of Lincoln where you can tell most of the apartment buildings are 130+ years old & is also probably 1 of the most interesting places in Lincoln. Not so much for it's historic value. No, not in the least. But more so for it's......er....."residents" if you will. For example, there was Crazy Paul, a 60-something year old guy who, no matter how hot or how cold the weather was, always wore old work boots, black socks pulled up to his knees, cut-off jean shorts, flannel shirt, & a Sclitz cap that was missing the snap on the back. He walked around with trash bags collecting cans & bottles where ever he could & always told us robots were coming & they were going to kill us all. Anyway, it'd take me forever to explain all the characters who inhabit this wasteland. But to make it short, my friends, brothers & sisters, me & all the rest of the people just "fit" down in Manville. Manville's most famous slogan is; "this kind of chit only happens in Manville".
So back to Dave. My friend, Bobby, & I met Dave @ Manville Palace Pizza(if you're a Manvillianite, it was only known as "The Pit"). We were playing Mortall Kombat III & he had been watching us not saying a word. Matter of fact, we didn't even know he was there! When we were done, we turned around & his appearance just scared the b'jesus out of us. He had what we called "a screwed up hockey haircut", a beak of a nose that almost touched his chin, & the gnarliest underbite I had ever seen in my life. We found out he had moved to Manville about a year ago & was having a hard time making friends. After he gave us his biography, we found out why....Even though this kid's never touched weed, had a drop of alchohol, or anything, he was heavily medicated on a bunch of different antidepressants from some issues he had with himself, family, life, etc. Bobby & me were like; "yup.....this kid definitely belongs here!".
Dave claimed as a long-term effect from the meds, he believed in ghosts, believed he saw ghosts, & also believed either the ghosts or random voices from the unknown spoke to him on a daily basis. After hanging out with him for a couple of days, we believed his prognosis of himself was correct. Dave was also known for giving some of the most morbid responses I've ever heard. For example; I had asked him if I could have a cigarette once. His response was; "On one condition"
I say, "What's that, Dave?"
He yells, "You crucify me on an upside-down cross!!!" & then always ended his sentences with an explosion sound effect he made with his mouth................just weird. Basically: Dave's not playing with a full deck.
So on to the story! Running along the eastern edge of Manville is the Blackstone River. It's one of the biggest rivers in the North East. Running along the river, is the Providence/Worcester train tracks. The train tracks were always fun to walk around. You always found cool stuff there, was a great place to get wasted @, & all the while, as long as the train wasn't coming, no one knew you were there, so you wouldn't have the police looking for you & busting your chops. About 10mi south down the train tracks, in the neighboring town of Cumberland, there were a bunch of old mill buildings that had been abandoned years ago. They just looked creepy @ night. Although none of them were known to be "haunted", they just made scary noises like old creaking doors opening & slamming constantly, or the wind running through pipes & orifices that made eerie whistling noises & animals(probably rats & raccoons)running around inside adding to it's factor.......we thought it'd be a perfect place to scare the crap out of Dave! Even though we've never been in any of these buildings, we were going to get Dave to go in to explore & then scram on him. Well, it didn't work....
Bobby, Dave, & myself took Dave down to the mills one really frickin' cold night to try to get him. Bobby & me were dressed in heavy coats, knit hats, etc. while Dave was wearing jeans, a T-shirt & a thin sweat shirt. It had to be 25* that night. To make an already long story short, when we got there, we got Dave to go in, tried throwing rocks @ the walls & windows to scare him, but Bobby screwed up the plan. We had Dave going for a few seconds, but it was ruined before we could make it fun.
We thought it was going to be a boring night.
Now, we're heading back & we're 9mi away from Manville on foot. We're on the train tracks, the river's to our right, & on the other side of the river is a huge rock ledge. On the very top of the rock ledge was an 8' tall chain link fence with no "cheat bar" on top for you to hop over it. & on the other side of the fence was civilization. Dave stops & tells us he has to take a dump. "Can you hold it?" we ask him.
"Uh, yeah! I think so. Well, I'll try" he says. We continue walking a little bit more & he's like "Guys! I can't hold it anymore! I'm going to go up to the ledge & go to McDonald's". Now, in order for him to make it to the street, he would've had to swim 40' across the river, climb up a 60' rock ledge, & hop the 8' chain link fence with no cheat bar......in 20-25* weather.
"Dave, that ain't happening" we say
"Oh yeah! I'll make it!" he tells us
"Forget it Dave, if you don't freeze to death in the river or swept by it's current, you'll never make it up that ledge"
"How about you do a 'Roger'?" I ask him
"What's a 'Roger'?" Dave asks.
Roger was another Manvillianite we were friends with. There's a legend that Roger was @ Manville Park one day & the bathrooms were closed. He went in the woods, did #2, & used his underwear as TP & just hung them on a tree & left.
Dave's like "NO WAY!"
I said; "Dave; it's the only way you're gonna make it. You'll crap your pants before you make it across the river."
After some serious thought, Dave says "OK! I'll do it!"
We get under the I-295 bridges & told Dave to go behind one of the pillars. He had to be there about a good 8mins. before he reappeared again. He comes out wearing nothing but his T-shirt.
"Dave!? Where's your sweatshirt!?" me & Bobby ask.
"I used it to wipe my azz" Dave says proudly.
"Dave! You do realize it's freakin' cold out here & you gotta walk like 8.5-9mi back, right???"
"I don't care, I like my T-shirt. I wasn't gonna use that!"
"Dave!!! You were supposed to use your underwear!!!"
"Hell no! These are my lucky boxers!"
So we walked the rest of the way with Dave crying & whining he was cold & coming out with all sorts of weird crap that kept us amused. In the long run, Dave's always been great for making you laugh from his misfortune. I'm glad I met Dave & he's one of our friends!