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  #1  
Old 08-21-2009, 04:16 PM
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Owls

I think I'm in a quandry. For the past week now, I have a strong belief that owls are after me. It started last Saturday with a horrible dream. In this dream, I was in a spooky wooded area that reminded me of the Living Forest from Mortal Kombat II. The trees all had scary faces & every so often, these trees would tell me; "Go back! GO BAAAAAAAA---AAAAAAAAAAACK!!!". I had this uncanny sense of fear that I had no idea why it was overcoming me. Everytime I turned around, the path I was walking on seemed to vanish, Suddenly, the Great Horned Owl named Isaac had perched himself on a limb of one of the trees. I had either shrunk, or Isaac was @ least 7' tall. His eyes were just 2 beaming yellow lights that almost blinded me as he gazed down upon me like he was ready swoop down & devour me. Isaac speaks: "What business do you have in my forest?" He spoke in a great, booming voice.


I had no answer. I was so engulfed in fear, all I could do was cower like a field rat & pray this situation would end well....So he ended up staring me down for what felt like an eternity. Finally, in an even louder voice he bellowed; "YOU'RE NEXT!!!" & he spread his gigantic wings & swooped down @ me with almost eagle-like talons. I turned to run & all I could hear around me was sinister laughter. I woke up pouring sweat. I guess you guys would have to be there to understand how perilous the whole ordeal felt & how close I came to becoming an owl pellet.

So the following Sunday, I had gotten up unusually early. My wife was still sleeping, so I decided to take the dog out to go "potty". The sky outside was a strange pattern of clouds with patches of purple & red smeared together almost like the Apacolypse was on it's way. I didn't think anything of it, so I stood there, in my underwear & slippers, having a cig waiting for the damn dog to go when all of a sudden.......I hear an owl......."who, whooooo".
"Whatever", I says to myself. Not quite making a connection to the dream yet. Then I hear it again; "who, whoooooo, whoooooo". It didn't sound like just 1 owl now.......It was more like 3 or 4........& the "who's" were getting louder & louder. "whooo, whOO, WHOOOOOOOOOOOO". Before I knew it, there were like an entire chorus of owls "who-ing" in unison.....but there were none in sight! They sounded near, they sounded far; "WHO! WHO! WHOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!" I CAN'T SEE THEM!!!! WHERE ARE THEY!?!?!?!?!? HEEEEEEEEEEEELPPP!!!! I dragged the dog by his leash, slammed the garage door & ran back into my bedroom; "THEY'RE AFTER ME!!!"................& then............it all stopped. There was shear silence. I looked out the window & on the only dead tree in the yard, I saw a single brown owl perched. It looked @ me & then flew away.

A couple of days had gone by & I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday, I was working & driving the truck for a delivery. I had just turned my head for a second, turned it back to look straight ahead & in front of me......a Wise potato chip van was getting ready to cut me off! I slammed on the brakes & almost jack-knifed, blowing my airhorn @ that chit head. When I realized what had happened, I froze to look @ the Wise Owl grimacing @ me on the back door of the van, winking @ me deviously like it was actually the owl himself that was trying to run me off the road.

Yesterday, I came out of work & saw the craziest bird-turd on the tonneau cover of my truck. I was walking out with a co-worker & we both noticed it. I was like, "Man! That seagull must've been sick!"
The co-worker said, "Looks like a giant owl chit!" & started laughing. I didn't think it was funny @ all.
"I thought only seagulls & pigeons could poo while they're flying?" I asked & the guy just kept laughing & walked to his car. I rushed home & didn't just wash my truck once........I washed it 3 times in fear it was Isaac who did it!


So that's pretty much it.............I really think owls are going to show me to my ultimate doom. I have no idea how, when, or where, but something terrible related to owls is going to happen to me. Lately, I've had weird dreams with owls in them, but I have yet to cross paths with Isaac again in the Living Forest. What am I going to do!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
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Old 08-21-2009, 07:45 PM
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Uh, yeah. Its a bird. Not going to take you out.

Quit worrying. (that's my professional advice)
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Old 08-21-2009, 08:44 PM
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Keep thinking that, I had one knock out the grill on a 85 Grand Prix. The thing was on a bridge and just flew into the car.
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Old 08-21-2009, 09:11 PM
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Try this......Milk, Flour, 350 degree veggie oil......salt and pepper the flour to taste......

Last edited by fallendown; 08-21-2009 at 09:22 PM.
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Old 08-21-2009, 09:19 PM
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whatch drinkin????
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Old 08-22-2009, 06:27 AM
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Don't go out at night. And for goodness' sake DO NOT wear your rabbit-skin underdrawers
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Old 08-22-2009, 06:34 AM
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I think you should write a book that was a good read
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Old 08-22-2009, 04:27 PM
The Screwy HEUI
 

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More help!!!
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Old 08-22-2009, 04:33 PM
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ask the owl how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop... then punch it right between those big ol' eyes.

Last edited by F350SD; 08-22-2009 at 04:34 PM. Reason: :)
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  #10  
Old 08-22-2009, 05:02 PM
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Are you a Hunter Thompsan fan....I'm thinkin bats here......
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