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  #1  
Old 04-02-2008, 06:03 AM
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The funniest true story ever

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'


.
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  #2  
Old 04-02-2008, 06:08 AM
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that was AWESOME!!! cant imagine what that would feel like... I shocked myself with a electric fence a couple of times but those are on a timer so I didnt get it too bad, hahaha.
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Old 04-02-2008, 06:22 AM
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i started to read this while sitting in the campus lab, and i just busted out laughing and couldnt stop. i had to get up and walk out of the room. that is hilarious. ill sure as he!! never try that after reading your story!!!
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Old 04-02-2008, 06:27 AM
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I actually had to wipe tears away I was laughing so hard!
Craig
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Old 04-02-2008, 06:30 AM
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BUUUUWHHHAAAHAAHAHAHAH

Now fess up.... it was you huh!!???
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Old 04-02-2008, 06:42 AM
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that was funny as hell!.....lol

But It affects everyone differently,...I was shopping, to get my wife one,...I went to the locsal gun shop and the lady had a couple different models for us to look at...but she said.... be careful.

So...I press the button a couple times,..and the cool blue flames shot across the electrodes,..it was very intimidating.

I asked the lady if it was ok if I tried it,...she said that I couldn't.....but then I thought...what could she do if i zapped myself....nothing...so I did.

After the initial jolt, I wasn't impressed, and the lady was pissed,...but she still wanted to make a sale....

I told her maybe the batteries were dead, and I asked if she had any new ones,...reluctantly she got a new pack of batteries, and let me have another crack at it.

Same result,..but with a slightly more powerfull experience,.......

I tried every one she had in the store,...and the most powerful one, only sent me into a small full body spasm.

Good thing they sold guns too,...we now own a Glock .40 cal.....i figure....if I want to stop someone, and they can handle the electrocuting toys better than me,...my wife will be in trouble.

Bullets have a more desireable effect on stopping power.
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  #7  
Old 04-02-2008, 06:54 AM
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Owtcast, I wished I could claim this story but I can't tell one that good.
Oh and Jay you don't have to lie to make friends. Just tell the truth, that your wife was shocking you and you were in the fetal position in the pawn shop.
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  #8  
Old 04-02-2008, 06:55 AM
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Holy Sh!T man bet you won't do that again! ! !
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Old 04-02-2008, 06:57 AM
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Actually,...I still bought it,..It's a fun "sex toy"....but that's all it's good for......lol...j/k
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  #10  
Old 04-02-2008, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TANK'S 250 View Post
Actually,...I still bought it,..It's a fun "sex toy"....but that's all it's good for......lol...j/k
Only you. Do you have the jumper cables to go with it.
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