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Old 08-19-2011, 04:56 AM
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A great gift for your wife!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
Submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
Interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
Little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
Adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...
Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
Was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc
Electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
Couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
Little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
Needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
Then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to Give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
Some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
Bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
Less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
Batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one
So as to say, ' Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst
Such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
Myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
Recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
Again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
Tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
To be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
And tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
Before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
In an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
Living room.

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
Not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
Thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
Point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
The landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
Originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from
my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward
their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Old 08-19-2011, 05:23 AM
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Old but still good for a laugh.
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:34 AM
Compression Ignition Addict

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Can't imagine doing that to myself,being a retired LEO, I have seen how these devices can incapacitate a person. Most people pee there pants .
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:37 AM
Unapologetically American


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He shat in his pants, LMAO!
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Old 08-29-2011, 10:26 AM
Compression Ignition Addict

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Very funny. Although it is almost impossible to wet or poop on yourself. Think about muscle contraction. And yes I have been tazed more than once. And yes once was self inflicted.
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Old 08-29-2011, 10:52 AM
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One of my Pastors once said, "Remember, experience is the best teacher, but it doesn't have to be your own!!" Note to self: DO NOT, under any circumstances, do the above "test" on yourself."
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