The Crap List
Figured one more about some bathroom humor couldn't hurt.......
Sometimes when crap happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a crap. Here are some crap definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
You know you've crap. There's crap on the toilet paper, but no crap in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Crap
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of crap on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your *** 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This crap leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Crap
You're all done wiping your *** and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Crap
This kind is the kind of crap that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Crap
You crap so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Crap
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Crap
This crap is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of crap usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Crap
This crap hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets you’re a$$ wet.
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no crap!
Cement Block or Oh God Crap
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you crap.
This crap is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Crap (Also Known as Floater Crap)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This crap usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Crap (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when you’re a**hole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Crap
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your crap doesn't smell too bad, but this crap is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of crap also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of crap that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Crap
The kind of crap that just hangs off you’re a** before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Crap
The kind of crap where you eat really spicy food and you’re a**hole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The kind of crap where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of crap that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Crapty Crapty Bang Bang
The kind of crap that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Crap
The king of crap that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Crap
The kind of crap that yanks out the hair of you’re a** as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant crap you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Crap
The kind of crap that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Crap
The kind of crap that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Crap
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a crap.
Oh Crap! Crap
You crap so much and wipe you’re a** so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH CRAP!
The Never Ending Crap
It's the crap that keeps running out of you’re a** like pee, and just when you start wiping you’re a** your stomach gargles and splash, more crap runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Crap
The type of crap that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.