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Old 07-25-2011, 04:42 AM
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Unpolitically correct Jokes

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your fukkin' will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.' I said, "Don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually."

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks what is wrong. The boy says "Me ma is dead." "Oh, bejaysus," the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?" The boy replies, "No tanks, mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, "I’m going to take that."

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You're in that feckin' basket!"

I had a good shot at winning a trivia competition until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" The answer I should have given was, "Fiji".
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:54 PM
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Those are great!!!
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Old 08-13-2011, 02:26 PM
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How do you know when a chinamen has broken into your home?

There is a cat in the frying pan, your taxes are done and you get a refund and he is still trying to back out of the driveway!!
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Old 08-26-2011, 06:40 AM
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The Arrogance of Authority



A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.He told the rancher,

"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.



The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On

any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"



The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.



A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......



With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....




"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
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Old 08-26-2011, 06:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justinlogue5_0 View Post
The Arrogance of Authority



A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.He told the rancher,

"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.



The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On

any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"



The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.



A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......



With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....




"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
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