BEST YET:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand
over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also
asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across
this message.
I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend
had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had
just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and
wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come
help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to
one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the
cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called
a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case
you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've
only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going
on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was
about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did
this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like
to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you
use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing
you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Alex